![]() What I was being offered was the opportunity to step out of them entirely. But they were safe and they were established. I was stuck on the hamster wheel of to-do lists and work responsibilities, and so stuck in the patterns I’d created for myself – most of which were not doing me any good. What they were trying to give me was space. Then my gynaecologist suggested I take some time off work.Īnd it took me another few months to come around and realize that what they were all trying to was get me to stop, take as many expectations off of my plate as possible, and just allow myself to recalibrate. Then my doctor suggested I take some time off work. And that therapist suggested I take a few weeks off from work. And in some ways there was – but it was a symptom, not a cause. I was doing countless blood tests and ultrasounds and scans – I was convinced there was something physically wrong with me. And it was only when that routine was interrupted that I got a peek into a different way of living.īy the end of the summer of the same year, I was in and out of doctors offices multiple times a week. Of course when we got home I went right back to my old patterns, and trying every supplement and breathing technique and exercise routine to try and feel less overwhelmed every single day.Īnd it took another six months of living like that, of living like I was constantly walking along the edge of one of those New Zealand mountains, to actually make a change.īut that trip was an interruption of my routine – one I had been stuck in for so long without even realizing it. I think the intensity of the trip allowed me to experience those extremes – the heightened anxiety was just an intense and focused version of what I was already feeling everyday, and feeling “relaxed” was actually just feeling not-anxious. I wasn’t frantically making plans or obsessing over perceived imperfections, I wasn’t so deeply entrenched in my routines and checklists. There was a general sense of calm and groundedness I hadn’t felt for the entire trip, but also for years. There was still a constant tension in my neck and deep in my chest that I couldn’t shake, but I felt like I could look up for the first time in a while. And I felt like I started to come back to myself a little bit. Our last few days we spent in one place, nowhere to be, no cars or flights or ferries to worry about. I was unhappy and irritable – things you really don’t want to be feeling on your honeymoon. Nothing was wrong – but I was hyper focused on the idea that something would go wrong, or wildly unnecessarily devastated if the tiniest things didn’t exceed every expectation. Staring up at the ceiling until 4AM with a pounding heart, tight chest, and racing thoughts. The entire first week we were there I didn’t sleep for more than a few hours a night. We got there – and I was a complete mess. We had a two week trip planned, with a few days on either end to get settled – it would be the first time in my adult life that I had three full weeks away from work responsibilities and the general expectations of life. We’d been married for six months already, and really looking forward to some time away. Three years ago we were heading to New Zealand for our honeymoon. ![]() So much so that those three years really feel like ten years. Next month marks three years since I first realized there was something really wrong about the way my life felt.
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